I know, I know. All the laundry commercials are geared to women. They show pictures of people cavorting in florid meadows, little girls in flowing white dresses and little boys in gleaming white overalls. Everyone is wearing white, in fact. Apparently laundry is for women whose children have all white clothing and who have a family tradition of gallivanting in a field. Oh, that and the fact that only Mama, apparently has the magic of Clorox.

I don't know about you but in my experience Dads do a TON of laundry. In many families, that seems to be one of the chores Dad has specialized in. I certainly do cubic yards of it every week. I don't know what the stats are, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that detergent advertisers are missing some decision makers. Are Dads seduced by people frolicking in a grassy knoll? Dunno, it could be kind of appealing.

Let's start with an overview of resources. First of all, you have water, at a given temperature, let's say, "cold, warm or hot." I just picked those at random. Now, people have shied away from hot water in recent years because of silly overblown fears about damaging their clothing. The clothing didn't deserve to live, I say! I actually read the other day that one reason people may have more allergies nowadays is that very hot temperatures kill dust mites. Since we've shied away from hot-hot water in the wash, we have more mite-ridden bedding and linens than our ancestors who either boiled their laundry or had hotter washers. You make your own decisions; I do not judge you. But there is a role for hot and cold water in stain removal, and if the stain calls for hot, you should go as hard-core as your fabric will let you.

Second after water (which is I might add the universal solvent except when it's not) we have detergent. Detergent (and soap too) is a surfactant which means that it makes water penetrate into clothing, instead of beading up on the surface. Usually you can get detergent with or without biological agents. This makes a difference; the biological agent ones are more expensive but also work better on stains. The enzymes sort of dislodge the dirt by attacking it or something like that. Just a note on economy: if you've got little kids or if you get dirty a lot, it's not a waste of money to get the name-brand detergent. In my experience, unlike most household products, it really is a case of "you get what you pay for" with laundry detergent. If you need to be more economical, you can always keep some around for the really dirty loads and use the cheap stuff for run of the mill laundry.

The first step for getting nasty stuff out of clothes is the same regardless of stain type: if you're working on a stain, turn the garment inside out with a rag or towel under it. Then work on the stain from the inside out. If you really think this stain is going to be a nasty one, this is where you would take some dry cleaning fluid to it and, changing paper towels, work on the stain til you can't get any more out. You do this on the back side of the garment because you want to push the stain out the way it came instead of encouraging it to come all the way through. If it's just a run of the mill taco accident,  some laundry pretreating product should be fine. Or, if it falls between pretreatment and no pretreatment, you might try soaking it for awhile in a bucket or sink with an enzymatic laundry detergent prior to sticking it in the washer. This stuff is all guesswork, and these are all tools in the toolbox.

Then, let's see: is it a grease or a protein stain? If it is a grease stain, you're going to think of it like spaghetti sauce on a plastic bowl. Hot water and lots of soap are called for. Then, air dry it so that you can see if the stain is still there. Putting it through the dryer sets it and makes it more work to get out if you have to try again. Let's be honest though, if you keep wearing a shirt with a grease spot and you wash it every time, the spot will eventually wash out. This even happens pretty quick if it's something white that you can wash on high. But don't tell your wife I told you that.

Gosh, protein stains. And I can tell you I have dealt with prune spit up, all manner of formula stains and of course the cheesy-flavored diaper blowouts that are our common lot as Dads. Oh, don't forget blood, gosh we don't know anything about that. And honestly, I would rather get attacked by a pile of onion rings or fried twinkies than any of this stuff.

Prune spit up. Throw the onesie away or wash it and make it into a pot holder. If the baby needs to wear clothing, he or she should wear only eggplant colored ones. If you're determined to be the hero, flush it with lots of cold water and alternate soaking it in detergent and spraying pretreatment on it. When you finally feel like it's giving up the ghost (this could take a couple days of fussing with it while you do your #2). When you're ready, wash it in cold water with enzymatic laundry detergent, then analyze to see if you need to repeat the process. Do not put it in the dryer or you will have to make tiny little yurt with it. Can't be helped.

Blood. Bucket of cold water. Tide. No they are not paying me, but should. Agitate it a bit, then let it soak. As often as you're near your bucket, rub it around a bit. Change the water and detergent several hours later and let it soak overnight. Can you speed up this process? Of course but it would be more work. Do not

Cheesy-flavored diaper blowouts. Now, I'm just getting to be a broken record. On the scale of stains, this lies between prune spit up (a 10) and blood (a 5). Butter is a 2.5. That makes the diaper blowouts a 7.5. The main difference is that when you have a cheesy flavored diaper blowout, the clothing has quite a bit of particulate matter on it before we even discuss the underlying stain. So put on your rubber glove, take the nasty Piggly Wiggly sack you've thrown the whole diaper/onesie/shirt and cute pants mess into it. I'm serious--put on the rubber glove, you need some protection. Pry the diaper out and throw it away where you throw diapers. Now, go to the bathroom and make sure your toilet isn't disgusting. Plunge the onesie or other clothing in the toilet and get all the particulates off. If necessary, with the diaper withdrawn, flush the toilet to repeat the process. I know you're saying, "he did not just say that." But yes, he did. Now, get thee to a bucket or sink. Follow the prune spit up protocol.

That's about all for today boyz. We can do color removal another time. I'm tired.

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