It was 1993. I was in my office at work when my phone rang. "Mr. Handsome (replaced for my real last name)? My name is XXXXX and I am a private investigator. We are searching for a Grace Handsome and understand she may be staying with you."
I said, "yes, she is my mother, what is this about please?".
Mr. XXXX, "Oh yes, certainly. We have been hired by a woman who believes to be the birth child of a Grace Handsome".
I told Mr XXX that I will need to call him back and took his number. I thought to myself, I believe to be the closest to my mom and we are pretty open with each other. This can't be correct, she would have told me.
I called my mom and when I told her about this very odd phone conversation she remained silent. I said, "mom, is your silence telling me it's true, I have a sister?". My mom said "Oh my God". She told me the whole story.
She was 17 years of age and became pregnant in her senior year of high school. This was 1951. My mom was sent to s0me boarding house where pregnant teens were kept until they gave birth and then put their baby up for adoption. My mother had no choice in the matter. Her parents told people she was staying with family out of town. She gave birth and signed a bunch of documents and then was released and sent back home. She was told to never discuss it with anyone. My mother kept that secret to herself for so many years. The only people that ever knew were her parents, two of her sisters and of course herself.
My mom contacted the private investigator and gave him her phone number and told him it was ok for her birth daugther to call her.
That very same evening we received the call from her. I will call her "A". "A" and my mom spoke for hours. It appeared as though conversation went very easy and effortless. They set a time to meet. She was to come to my home to visit.
The day "A" arrived, I have to admit, I was so nervous. I thought, what if she didn't like me or had resentment toward me or my mom. When I opened the door, there she stood with a big smile on her face. She definately looked related to me. Being nervous, the first thing I said was, "Oh my god, you have our nose". She just laughed but it was indeed an awkward moment.
I backed off a lot from this visit because I felt my mom and her needed the time to get acquainted before I got in there and made it more complicated. Years later, it was brought to my attention that she felt as though my distance meant indifference..but it was just the opposite, I didn't want to over-whelm the situation.
My mom and her kept in contact and they became pretty comfortable with each other. She invited my mom to come visit her and even paid for her ticket. "A" was married and had a daugther. This visit did not go very well and they ended up fighting a lot. My mom, in fairness, is not the easiest to get along with and is set in her ways. My mom left from her visit never wanting to speak to "A" again. They were clearly on NON speaking terms. It was even added stress because during the time they were getting acquainted, "A" met my mom's sister (my aunt) and they got along great. Even during the time my mom and "A" weren't talking my Aunt would still go and visit her. My mom felt betrayed that her own sister would continue a relationship with her birth daugther despite the fact that she felt she was mistreated there.
Years went by and I never spoke with "A" again. This is completey my fault. I did not make the effort to contact her. Mostly because it would cause additional pressure on my relationship with my mother since they were not talking.
They recently began speaking with each other and are trying to work out their differences. "A" had another child, a little boy and unfortunately ended up getting a divorce. I still have not spoke with her and feel like too much time has gone by, but she remains on my mind.
Clearly, not all children that reconnect with their biological parents work smoothly. I do think about my sister and try to imagine how she must have felt during her teen years of wanting to know who her mother was and whether she had any siblings. I think I would become obsessed with wanting to know and spend much of my life searching for my biological parents. One of the main reasons the adoption of my son is an open adoption.
Now that adoption has impacted me on so many levels, I am more motivated to contacting her. I want to let her know directly from me how much I would like to have her in my life as my sister. Even if I set myself up for rejection and she finds she has no interest in having a relationship, I, at the very least know I tried.
While I realize, traditionally, nobody has ever had to clarify the type of dad in the past, times have changed.
