I connected with Dan on twitter he’s @bibledude and his blog is http://bibledude.net/. Recently I did a series on Men and Sexual Addiction on my blog and at my website http://theramsnetwork.ning.com/ and he’s doing something similar on his blog. He’s connected with another group The Idea Camp https://www.theideacamp.com/ who are doing a really in-depth look at sex and things associated with it (porn, sexual abuse, gender, orientation, slavery and family). The stuff I wrote on sexual addictions, he was kind enough to include in the discussion on porn. He e-mailed me and let me know what he was doing and let me know if I had anything else I wanted to contribute to it I was welcome to do so.
For those readers that have followed my blog, you will know that I have touched on being sexually abused. I decided it was important to hear from a man’s perspective what it was like. We hear lots of stories about women surviving, but men rarely speak about it, so as I generally do I write a lot of stuff on a subject that is dear to me.
This is my story about my experience. Just a warning, I tried not to be to graphic, but it may be difficult to read, so proceed with caution.
I was first exposed to sex when I was in kindergarten. One of my friends on the school bus ride home threw out “show me yours and I will show you mine”. Since we were the only 2 left on the bus I moved over to his seat and we showed each other our stuff. I remember not feeling so great about that and getting off the bus and not sure about what just happened, I was left with mixed emotions and didn’t say anything to my parents but kept it inside.
Another year or so later I was at another friends of mine staying over night and we were playing around and looking at books and he came up behind me and started rubbing up against my backside and grinding on me with his clothes on. I didn’t say anything again. Later that year, his brother started molesting my sister in front of me. One time while we were out in the field playing he got 6 other neighbor boys together and got my sister to take off her clothes in front of them. Somehow by the grace of God my mom came and discovered it and made them all leave. She talked with us and we let her know what he had been doing and then called his parents and we tried to confront him on it, but he lied about it. Nothing more ever came out of that, we just never did anything with them again. I ended up being ostracized by the neighbor boys; they called me a pussy and liar and wanted nothing more to do with me. When they would see me riding my bike or walking they would throw rocks and other things at me and tease me. On a couple of occasions they chased me, luckily I got away from them.
I was in 5th grade when it really started. It was over Easter weekend, my family had driven up to my aunt’s, and she owned a hotel and a bunch of other relatives were gathering there for the weekend. My cousins and I were left alone to play and hang out and we weren’t monitored. An older male cousin I had always liked and looked up to asked me to come into the bathroom. I came inside and he closed the door and started talking to me about sex and what happens when a guy goes through puberty, something my parents and I hadn’t yet discussed in great detail. He then proceeded to show himself and he was hard. He showed me how to masturbate and encouraged me to try it on myself and then do it to him. He also showed me how to perform oral sex by doing it to me and then having me do it to him. I remember thinking this doesn’t seem right and we shouldn’t be doing this, what if someone comes in, but no one did, and oddly enough I also thought it felt good. Suddenly feelings I hadn’t experienced before were now starting. This continued to happen throughout the weekend while we were there. At nighttime we laid next to each other in our sleeping bags on the floor. There were about 12 of us lying all over the floor in a hotel room. My mom was asleep in the bed when everyone else was asleep; we continued these actions well into the night.
From that time off, every time my cousin and I go together we had ended up having sex. At first he tried to convince me it was okay to do. I was confused, feeling extremely guilty and knowing what was happening was wrong. I liked having the attention and as puberty had started to kick in it felt good, but that seemed so wrong to think that, this was my cousin, things like this shouldn’t be happening, but it was happening to me. When it first started I didn’t want to do it, however after he decided to punch me and threaten me I quickly changed my mind. He made it very clear to me if I told anyone I would get the shit beat out of me and he punched me a few more times to prove his point. This continued and I learned to either initiate it or get hit and have it happen anyway. It continued to happen and along the way another male cousin who was older than me got involved in it. Whenever we got together over the holidays I basically ended up having sex with both my cousins. It got to the point where I just initiated it to reduce the risk of anything else happening to me from them. It stopped when they graduated from high school, left and moved away.
It was at that point my life turned. Prior to this initial event occurring, my greatest desire and dream was to grow up and get married and have a family. Suddenly this goal of mine was being taken from me. 5th grade was a pivotal year in my life. I began struggling in school, I kept my secret hidden and told no one about it. My parents had no clue and weren’t really clued into me as it was. My Dad was a truck driver and was gone for months at a time, he came home for a few weeks and then left again. Even when he was around he wasn’t involved in my life. I wanted him to come and rescued me and take me away from all of it, yet he had no clue what was happening since he wasn’t around. That same year we started going to church and I got baptized. I still find this incredibly fascinating as I was making a statement of my belief in God; the devil was changing my life.
School wasn’t fun either, the boys that lived out in the country by me had rejected me as well as most of the guys I went to school with. They were two different sets of guys and none of them wanted anything to do with me. I was lonely, scared and afraid, feeling guilty and ashamed and yet no one was there to help me. I got called all sorts of names, but mostly it was fag and a pussy. This continued until I graduated high school. We lived out in the country and the school I went to, most kids started kindergarten and graduated together. Everyone knew everything about you. The names stuck all through school and I am convinced that most parents believed I was gay and that would be how I lived my life.
I was lonely and miserable growing up. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I had no role models or men who played a good role in my life. I was scared at school that guys would force me to have sex with them if they ever got me alone. When I wasn’t getting called names, I was getting hit and kicked at school by various guys, just to prove they were stronger and could beat the crap out of me if they wanted. I never fought back for any reason. I just took what they said and believed all of it. During my Freshman year in high school during the home-coming game, it was half-time and 2 guys decided it would be funny to throw me in the garbage dumpster and throw trash on top of me. They did this as parents walked by and did nothing. That next week I had enough, I decided I couldn’t go on this way, I attempted to kill myself by taking a whole bottle of Tylenol, I called a friend to say good-bye and she figured something was up and I ended up having a neighbor come, take me to the hospital and was made to throw up and empty my stomach. I ended up going to a counselor for a bit and I told him briefly a couple of things about my cousins but nothing ever came of it.
When I graduated I wanted to move and get away, as much as I tried to make that happen it never did until after college. I was incredibly confused about who I was as a person. I thought I was gay, even though deep down inside of me I wanted to still get married and have a family, I felt like I wasn’t worth it, the only thing I was good for was being used to get guys off. I didn’t trust guys and was scared of them. I stopped talking to them for the most part and only hung around girls and had them as friends. I was convinced anything a guy wanted from me was to have sex with him. I didn’t want to be gay, what little I knew of it didn’t seem appealing to me. I wanted desperately to be loved for me, a woman to find me attractive and desirable, but the older I got I just believed that was impossible. Many nights I cried myself to sleep because I knew I would never find a woman who would want me, I was used garbage and had too much junk to deal with and they would think I wasn’t worth it.
I finally moved and I did meet a woman and slowly I told her little by little, but left a lot of things out she never knew. We got married and started a family. All my insecurities were still there, but I believed in my mind that getting married would be the cure for all of it. This was just another lie I believed.
What had started out with my cousins had so many far-reaching effects on me, deep scars and emotional wounds. This is a part of what led to my sexual addiction and my distrust of men. I had developed very few relationships with other men, I acted standoffish and aloof towards most men and most of the time wouldn’t even give them the time of day.
I nearly destroyed my family as a result of it and keeping things bottled up inside for years and years and never having anyone to really talk to about it. On our 10-year anniversary after drinking quite a bit I got the nerve up and confessed everything to my wife. Needless to say she was blown away. However telling her all of my dirty secrets and all my evil, wicked choices brought about a huge freedom, I had never experienced before. When they say the truth will set you free, for the first time in my life I actually understood what that meant. I started by confessing it all. I called the few guys I had been friends with and told them the truth and apologized for not being honest with them over the years. Thankfully they responded with love and forgiveness, something I never expected to get.
I researched and did a lot of work, I started meeting with counselors and pastors, going to FMO (For Men Only Groups) and worked through my past. It has taken many years of hard work, but the darkness and shame that once held me it gone. There are times I still feel like I am not a man, or manly enough when I am around other guys, but I always try to remind myself I am just as good as any of them. I have been able to develop real, honest relationships with other men and they are incredibly important to me. I now try to live my life as an example to other men of what is possible. I don’t want other men to have to experience what I have gone through, it’s been horrific to say the least, but when you have men who love you, believe in you and are willing to walk through the process with you it makes all the difference in the world.
I am incredibly blessed with the most amazing wife. She was willing to give me another chance. She did and still does see how much I have changed and how much I want to be the husband and father that are needed in my family. My wife has been so loving and patient with me and a huge part of my success if due to her. My wife shares a similar background with being molested and the evil it has done to her life. We both find it fascinating how God put us together and we see the reason why.
I am not the same person I once was. God has peeled back the many layers that I once used and built up to protect myself. I have exposed all the lies and countered them with truth. While I wish this wasn’t the way my life went I know I can’t change the past, I can only move forward towards the future.
I can only speak from my own experience, but a guy being molested by other men shakes you to the core. It challenges everything inside of you. There are 3 other guys I know who have had the same thing happen to them and they have shared similar feelings as mine. The far-reaching effects it has on a man are more than I can write about here. It’s difficult and hard to work through, but it is possible. I am living proof of it. If you need help keep looking until you find it. You will be able to experience a full life, guilt, fear and shame will stop holding you back once you bring it out in the open.

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Yes I admit it. I am a huge fan of the 1980′s. I graduated high school in June of 1989, which means I lived through the entire decade while I went to school. The 3 most shocking events from that time that stand out in my mind to this day are – the assassination attempt on American President Ronald Reagan, Mt. St. Helen’s eruption and the space shuttle exploding. I remember sitting home on the weekends watching television shows with my parents. Who Shot Jr on Dallas, Crystal and Alexis fighting in Dynasty and what would ever become of Falcon Crest. I also remember being captivated by Charlie’s Angels, Julie on the Love Boat and dreaming of far off places on Fantasy Island. As much as I played outside I spent way to much time in front of the television.

This picture was my one of my many senior pictures, where I attempted to look cool and in style. I remember spending around 4 hours changing clothes and taking pictures all out in the country where I grew up. I wanted to look cool and be a model so I bought some magazines and tried to recreate poses, all of course in an effort to be cool. Did it work? Well I will leave that up to you to decide.

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Yesterday John @DaddyYoEffinRox and I were exchange banter via Twitter. For those of you who don’t know, banter can sometimes be difficult when your limited to 140 characters, but for those of us who do it, we have learned how to talk in this manner. During our discussion he shared with me that he was going to quit smoking and I was interested to know how he was planning on staying strong and following through with it. The questions I posed were around support, accountability and encouragement. As someone who has dealt with my share of struggles and obstacles to overcome, I have found the best way is through support from a couple other folks.

This led us to another conversation around putting out a challenge to all other Dad’s and making some changes that need to be made in their lives and then supporting one another through the process.

As I thought about this, these are some suggestions I wanted to throw out:
Relationships – restoring passion and desire in your relationships with your wife, building stronger relationships with your kids, working on connecting deeper with another guy
Financial – budgeting, getting out of debt or reducing debt, looking at ways to become frugal
Health – quitting bad habits (tobacco or alcohol), exercising, losing weight

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My wife and I had a discussion about friendships and the importance it plays in our life. Based on our conversation I think we can categorize it into 2 different types. Those 2 groups would be “lots of friends” or “a few close personal friends”.

While my wife and I know a lot of people through the various involvements, we define our friendships vastly different. My wife has 3 people that she considers close “best” friends. We’ve had this discussion for years and even to this day it baffles my mind. She’s explained to me that women have multiple best friends. I have always taken the notion when someone says they have a best friend this is defined as one person who you have a lot of history with and spend time doing activities or just hanging out. This person knows most everything about you and would be there for you no matter what. So to hear my wife say she has multiple best friends makes me take a step back. Perhaps this is a male vs. female issue, I still am not sure.

While my wife has 3 people that she considers her best friends and maybe a handful of other folks who she considers friends. She finds it comforting to be content with this small amount of friends. She likes the stability and consistency of having the same friends and not having to work on creating new relationships.

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Growing up with a Dad who was around but wasn’t involved in my life, I never thought too much of Father’s Day. When I was young I made the token cards and gifts, but I don’t remember ever putting much thought into it. As I got older I just stopped doing it and never thought anymore about it. The damage is done and as hard as I have tried to reconcile my relationship with my Dad, we will never get to that place and I am finally at piece with that. I know that I can and do a far better job of being a Dad and will continue to do so until my dying day.

Then comes the day I find I am going to be a Father and hold in my hands something more valuable than gold. While I am not one to put a lot into most holidays, Christmas, Easter and birthdays are the ones I get most excited about. However Father’s Day is a time to honor all men who take their job seriously and do all that they can to impact the lives of their children. Believe it or not the role we play in the lives of our children is crucial. For our son’s we show them the way of manhood and what it means to become a husband and eventually a father. For our daughters we demonstrate how men should behave, treat and act around women and the standards our daughters should hold that man to. We have the ability to do amazing things or create a lifetime of hurt and pain.

If I had the ability to hug every lost and lonely child who’s father is absent or gone I would. If I really had endless amounts of money I would give my time and effort to provide them an example of what a real Father is, but alas that is an impossible dream.

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“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” – Winston Churchill

Have you ever been put in a position to step out and do something courageous? What is the most courageous thing you have ever done in your entire life? Did it include saving someone from a burning building, stopping an attack, putting your life on the line for someone else?

While I haven’t ever had to put myself in any of these situations, it does make me wonder. I think of people who put their lives on the line for the others daily – Policeman, Firefighters and Military personnel just to name a few off the top of my head. I highly respect and admire the men and women who’s willingness to courageously lay their life down if it comes down to it for the sake of others. Historical figures include Joan of Arc, Gandhi, Jesus and Martin Luther King, all willing to give up their lives for a greater cause.

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About 6 months ago I took on an extra project at work. A co-worker of mine had resigned and I was asked to cover her program part-time while running mine part-time. I had a small idea of what I was getting myself into and was hopeful it would only be for a couple of months until a new supervisor was hired. Turns out it took 4 months to find someone and they weren’t able to start until the 5th month and I spent the last month training them for the position. In going back and reviewing things with my boss we both discovered it was not an ideal role or set up for me. What was needed was someone who could run the program full-time, not be split between both. Staffing and morale had gone down the tubes, issues with folks we serve weren’t getting addressed in timely manners and outside community partners weren’t happy with all of this. So it was good that it was coming to an end. The last day I worked with the new supervisor and she shared with me all that was going on I just felt a huge knot in my stomach, I felt so bad handing things over to her, it was never my intention to take over a sinking ship and hand over the reins and walk away.

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Health is a large encompassing term. Do you eat healthy? Are you health conscious – meaning do you choose good foods for your body? Do you exercise? Do you practice a healthy lifestyle? In today’s age I feel as though most of us living in America are fairly educated about practicing and living healthy. As to what we do with that, it is a completely different story.

I myself have made significant changes in the last few years to practice a healthier lifestyle. 9 years ago when my 4th child was born I was close to 300 pounds. Looking back at pictures of myself it disgusts me to see how bad I had let myself go. While my wife was eating for two during those 4 pregnancies I was doing the same, yet I didn’t do anything to shed those baby pounds, in fact I was left with a large reminder of what I had done to myself including breathing problems and looking like a stay puffed man.

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Contrary to what you might hear or see on TV, life is not a sitcom where problems can be solved in under an hour, nor in my experience is it some type of after school special. Real life throws curves at you and really important things take time to work out.

Such has been the case at my house this year. Anyone who has a 1 child or more can tell you that life is far from dull. Once you’re a parent time does not stop and you really never get a break from parenting, well at least until they move out and start their lives. Because of the size of my family REALLY never get a break because some child is going to have a need, get sick or something will come up. I am not complaining, as it does no good and I signed up for this, so I will take whatever comes my way.

3 of my older children having been diagnosed with ADHD of various forms, they also take medication to help them. For whatever reason despite all we have tried, medication is the only thing that has proved successful in assisting them to make it through school. With each child we have seen how this manifests itself in each child. None of them are alike and so in dealing with how they think and act we try to reduce the amount of blanket type statements and actions. It’s a challenge and has become more of a challenge in the last year. I have had to rethink my parenting styles and approaches many times more specifically in the last couple of weeks. Granted I am no perfect parent and I do make mistakes and I fail and mess up more times than I like to admit. I am a very organized and driven person and have high standards for myself and for my family, including my expectations for what my kids need to do in school.

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Do you remember when you were younger and got to take part in show and tell? Do you remember how you felt? I don’t recall exactly how I felt about it, but with my children it’s been something they have looked forward to. Kindergarten – 2nd grade each week they’ve had the opportunity to take part in show and tell at school and almost every week they’ve always placed something in their bag to show off.

Fridays is my day off and the day I spend with my kids at school, my time is divided between classrooms. I have had the pleasure of this experience for the last 9 years and in that time I’ve seen and heard a vast array of things shared by kids. On one particular Friday a few weeks ago I was hanging out in my 8-year-old daughters 2nd grade classroom for the afternoon. Her teacher is an amazing woman, she’s had my oldest son in her class and we’ve developed a great rapport over the years. This year has been more difficult than in the past and she has endured more than she should have to. Particularly with one student who ended up traumatizing most of the class one day when he punched her in the stomach in front of everyone. I have heard numerous stories from my daughter about this child’s behaviors. He now has one on one with a Para-professional who deals with his outbursts, often removing him from the classroom so the teacher doesn’t have stop, deal with him and try to maintain the class at the same time.

I arrived after lunch and found the kids were cleaning out their desks and getting ready for the weekend. The teacher greeted me and I checked in with her as I usually do when spending time in the class. While we talked the kids finished cleaning up their desks and then she informs me it’s time for show and tell and I can run it. Perfect, I have greatly enjoyed getting to take on the role of the teacher in some of my kid’s classes. Actually if it ever worked out where I got to be the sub for a day, I would jump at that opportunity. When I was a young boy I had envisioned being a teacher and this is the way I get to live out my little dream. I enjoy being able to take over the class for a bit while the teacher gets a break. In my experience some teachers have given me more freedoms than others and she happens to be one of them.

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