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“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” –Albert Einstein
If you’re a parent, see if this scenario sounds vaguely familiar:
Prior to having kids you and your spouse were carefree. Weekend trips, spontaneous vacations and a whole bunch of sex. When you found out you were having kids, you knew some things would change. Namely things like the spontaneity and the vacations. But the sex? If you’re a guy, I’m willing to bet you didn’t think the frequency of sex would be much of a factor. But in the weeks, months (and even years) after a child is born it does change. Big time. Actually strike that. It changes for her, but not usually for him. Men still find their wives as attractive as ever. Men still crave physical intimacy. Men still need sex. But women often don’t.
I thought of old Albert’s quote recently after an in-depth online discussion that encompassed marriage, sex, kids and specifically what to do when your marriage is strained because you’re not having any sex after having kids. It was actually very eye-opening and I discovered that in my extremely unscientific extrapolations, a lack of sex after kids arrives on the scene and is prevalent in 95 percent of couples.So the question is what, if anything, can/should be done about this?
First of all, men understand that in the immediate aftermath of child birth sex isn’t a possibility. And we also understand there can be postpartum depression and other factors that play into a woman’s decreased sex drive. We know that if we pressure you for sex at these times, it’s our own fault.
But what if it carries on? What if it’s no longer a medical malady, but just a case of her simply not wanting sex?
I guess I can understand to a point. Maybe she’s a stay at home mom and has one or two kids clinging to her all day. She does housework all day and by the time hubby gets home she’s understandably at the end of her rope. And after having a toddler scream and stick to you all day, the last thing you want is for your husband to be all over you. Or she works all day and then comes home to the myriad of household chores and childcare duties awaiting her. By the time everything is all done it’s inevitably time for bed and passing out from exhaustion sounds a whole lot more appealing than getting your freak on.
But here’s the thing: that just doesn’t fly.
A man needs to pull his weight in the marriage and family. If his job is to work full time and make money, he has to do that during the day. If it’s to stay at home with the kids, he needs to do that too. If he is working outside of the home, he needs to realize he’s not off the clock when he comes home. The work continues. He needs to do dishes, laundry, help clean up, change diapers, etc. I honestly think most men fall into this category, I know I do.
But if this is the case and the husband and wife share a 50-50 partnership, the woman (or however unusual the circumstances, the man) should not be able to use “I’m tired” as a valid excuse to go weeks or months without any physical intimacy!
You know what? All parents are tired. It’s the nature of the game. But you cannot be so tired that you avoid keeping your marriage fresh. And whether anyone wants to admit it or not, having sex is a CRUCIAL part of a successful marriage. Traditionally men show their feelings in a more physical way than women. In most cases it was fine before kids, and most couples say they had a healthy sex life. So if a guy is getting some 3-4 times a week prior to kids and then that number drops to 1-2 times a month afterwards, that is a genuine problem.
Yet all too often men are made to feel like we’re the insensitive ones when/if we bring this up. But we’re not the ones who changed a major component of our relationship. Why shouldn’t we be concerned?
So in an effort to try to get our wives back to the bedroom, we try different methods. Maybe we bring home some flowers, send her sweet e-mails and texts during the day or write a poem. But more than likely, we do things like increase our share of the household chores in order to give her a break. Take the kids out for an afternoon so she can go to the spa or get her nails done. Are we doing this because we’re thoughtful and we love our wives and want them to be happy? Yes. Are we doing it in order to increase our chances at some romance later on? You bet your ass!
But in my discussion online with a group of mothers, I found that even that doesn’t work. These women were reporting loving, supportive husbands who take care of the kids, the house, the bills, etc. But even though these women claim to be happy with the distribution of parental responsibility and still very much attracted to their husbands, they say things like “I’m just too damn tired for sex.”
Unacceptable.
I guarantee if a guy is doing his damndest to make a woman happy yet it’s been months since they slept together, trouble will begin brewing. Maybe he starts wondering why she doesn’t find him attractive anymore. Maybe he wonders if she’s interested in someone else. Maybe he starts to look around at other women. Whatever happens, the potential outcomes are overwhelmingly negative.
I think it is the obligation of the person in the marriage not wanting sex, to suck it up and get it on.
I know I’m going to catch shit for this, but I don’t care. I’ve been honest with all you guys up to this point and I’m not going to stop now.
Many of the moms in my discussion said this is the route they take. And they admit they’re not always in the mood at first, but most report that when things start getting hot and heavy, so do they. Yes, they’re making a sacrifice (if you can really call sex a sacrifice) but that’s what marriage is all about. You don’t think guys make sacrifices? You think he really wanted to go to that art museum or watch the latest crappy Sandra Bullock movie? Hell no! He did it to make you happy. And if you’re on the verge of finding yourself in a sexless marriage, you need to make one too.
Personally, I’m attracted to my wife like you read about. Ideally we’d make love every single day of the week. MJ had some PPD and other medical issues after Will was born, so I understood the lapse. Are we back at what I call a “sustainable level” of 2-3 times a week? Nope. Am I frustrated with that? Well, I’m writing this post aren’t I?
But in talking to moms and dads with kids around the same age as Will, I’ve found I’m far from alone. And that’s too bad. Because if men are being good dads and husbands and moms don’t have any medical conditions holding them back, then there’s no excuse for not knockin’ the boots. Physical attraction is a huge part of what brought you together in the first place for God’s sake. So that aspect of the relationship, along with all the others, should be nurtured just like everything else.
It is the obligation of both people in the marriage to make sure of that.
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written by Joeprah, November 09, 2009
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written by Greg Hollingsworth, November 09, 2009
First, no one in a relationship has a right to expect sex, while physical attraction and intimacy are integral to any relationship, the problem I think is that most guys expect it, which is almost assuredly a turn-off. Sex in a marriage isn't about meeting someone's needs, it's about sustaining and sharing the love the led you to marry in the first place.
Bringing your wife flowers or taking the kids to a movie once a week doesn't translate to being a great husband in my book. A marriage is a partnership, and no matter what the splitting of household duties in any given house may be, it's not about everything being 50-50, it's about each partner feeling that they are supported, respected and above all else wanted. The problem is that most men don't start being "good husbands" until they want something from their wives, and if you don't think that they get that, you're oblivious.
My wife and I are approaching our 10th anniversary (we've only been married for 3, but together for 10 next May) and there has been a child involved for all but 4 months of our relationship (she was pregnant when we started dating). So we never even had the care-free, spontaneous vacation, etc... portion of marriage that many do have. We often joke about how statistically speaking we shouldn't be intimate any more, especially after two children.
My advice to guys who read this, stop doing things to try to earn yourself points with the wife and invest yourself fully in the relationship, in the end, that's what will show you how to be the partner she needs.
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written by Daddy Files, November 09, 2009
And I expect sex and physical intimacy.
I agree that taking the kids once a week, getting flowers, etc doesn't automatically make you a good husband. I was just using examples to show readers that the husbands involved in the original discussion were not shiftless layabouts. They were thoughtful guys (like most of the readers at Dad-Blogs) who are devoted husbands and fathers. And I believe most men ARE ALREADY good husbands, and it's not the men who change in the sex/intimacy dept. It's women.
Also, you say sex in a marriage isn't about meeting needs. Of course it is, at least in part. Sex in a marriage can be about love, (hopefully) lust, attraction, respect and any number of other things. But it is also about need. And if you think it isn't, then you're oblivious.
Put it this way: Would you have married your wife if she told you sex was only going to happen once a year? It's hyperbole I grant you, but honestly think about that question. Sex once a year. Sorry, but I didn't sign up for that. My NEEDS are greater than that. And I refuse to feel guilty about saying so.
You talk about sustaining and sharing the love in a relationship, and that's exactly what I'm talking about too.
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written by stephencon, November 09, 2009
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written by Joeprah, November 09, 2009
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written by ciara, November 09, 2009
btw...i don't think you should talk about sex where it gets too intimate and personal, though i do think it's ok to talk about it in general sense.
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written by Daddy Files, November 09, 2009
And Ciara I agree. While I mention my wife in the post I kept it pretty vague and tried to have it remain a general discussion on the topic.
But one thing...did you say HE'S too tired? I've never heard such a thing. I was in the ER back in May in excruciating stomach pain, and I still tried to seduce my wife in the hospital room. But maybe I'm just a pervert! ;-)
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written by watchman, November 09, 2009
http://www.argumentations.com/Argumentations/StoryDetail_7731.aspx
Here's a quote:
"Biochemical research points to a natural four-year sexual cycle for the human female. This apparently allows enough time after childbirth for the average mother in a state of savagery to regain her ability to survive without male provisioning."
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written by Daddy Files, November 09, 2009
Thanks for that link, but I had to laugh when I read the rest of it because it's hardly comforting. Apparently a woman's natural instinct is to liberate herself from her mate, go through the cycle and then find a new mate. Yikes. I guess I'll stop complaining about a lack of sex and be grateful my wife's not jumping in the sack with some other guy! ;-)
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written by Floor Pie, November 09, 2009
Pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding take a woman's sexuality apart piece by piece. Gradually, it puts itself back together, but in a completely jumbled order. It still works, but it doesn't work the way it used to. Female arousal and orgasm can be counterintuitive and elusive under any circumstances, particularly postpartum. Some of us just need a little practice to get familiar with the new upgrade. I wrote about this a while back in my own [a rel="nofollow" href=http://floorpie05.blogspot.com/2009/05/diy.html]blog[/a].
If you're too shy to broach this topic with your partner, I'd say the next best thing is to pitch in with the household chores as much as possible. A husband doing dishes is as powerful an aphrodisiac as any.
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written by eyesofbabes, November 09, 2009
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written by Thomas, November 10, 2009
It will grow you up and teach you about marriage and relationships that your dads never taught you. Boys AND girls. I used to be like most of you, but things have improved since applying his concepts. It sounds crazy when you first listen, but then you realize it makes a lot of sense. When Venus and Mars doesn't work for you, this is the next step.
http://www.ringsurf.com/online..._buck.html
Here is a show sample podcast
http://myprops.org/content/Sex...p08-28-08/
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written by Daddy Files, November 10, 2009
Thomas: I clicked on the link and Tom Leykis is jackass. His mission is to have sex with as many women as possible. My mission is to have sex with the same woman over and over again because I'm in love with her. Take that ridiculous crap somewhere else.
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written by Russ, November 10, 2009
As to any comments about the wife/mom being a sahm and thus too tired, I ain't buying. I'm a sahd and after a day of accidents, crying, cuddling, etc, I'm still a horny bastard.
Partly, I know that my drive is far greater than hers, and for that I self medicate. However, I didn't get married to do that (I was doing that long before) and it ain't for the great tax benefits either. I was physicality. As much as she is willing to give me.
Great post DF! I don't always agree with you, but I always enjoy reading you.
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written by Daddy Files, November 10, 2009
But you're absolutely right. If I didn't take matters into my own hand I'd go crazy. Sometimes it gets to the point where you think you're single again, only your roommate doesn't allow you to have sex with anyone else and you both have to take care of a child. It's lunacy.
And maybe this is a separate post, but if you read through magazines and online articles dealing with this issue, you know what you find? Countless tips on how to get her in the mood. You're supposed to take her out for dinner, buy her flowers, do her chores, send her out for a manicure/spa treatment while you watch the kids, etc. But what about guys?? What are women doing to ensure a good sex life? NOTHING! Because the assumption (which is generally correct) is that we're always in the mood. Yet we have to wine, dine and pamper our wives if we expect to be intimate with them?
Screw that noise.
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written by NoCanDo, November 10, 2009
Yes...because they're NOT always in the mood. And I doubt comments like "screw that noise" are going to appeal to your wife's "mood".
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written by Daddy Files, November 10, 2009
No doubt. Other things that failed to put her in the mood included groping her, dry humping her and saying "C'mon...just touch it!"
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written by Russ, November 10, 2009
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written by DaddyGerbz, November 10, 2009
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written by CharliePATpk, November 10, 2009
Ah, the classics always endure!
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written by Daddy Files, November 11, 2009
Charlie: one of my favorite bits!
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